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I was wild-eyed angry the other night with the trade of Cliff Lee.
I was angry that Lee was gone, but what really lit my fire was the realization that the deal meant another gutting and rebuild - with the next move sure to involve Victor.
So with Victor gone, I'm feeling an odd mixture of emotions, and anger is at the low end of list.
Sadness is probably the most prevalent feeling for me tonight.
How can you watch Victor's post-trade chat with reporters and not feel it?
How can you think of the 2007 season and not feel it?
How can you look at the unrealized expectations of the 2009 season and not feel it?
How can you see the latest core of players you thought might take us where we want to go, then see it broken up over the past 12 months - starting with CC -and not feel sad?
It's not an emotion really, but I'm also feeling a little sick to my stomach having just listened to Mark Shapiro during the Tribe game move up his contention-expectation clock to 2010. It was an obvious, and shameless, attempt to neutralize some of the venom being spewed by Tribe fans who are clearly not up for another rebuilding period that they just didn't see coming.
(I'm also feeling some nausea listening to Matt Underwood during the interview with Shapiro planting a big one right between the GM's two butt cheeks, but that's really beside the point I'm trying to make here.)
I would be lying if I denied the tiniest spark of curiosity about the new direction the team was forced into over the past few weeks. I would say the feeling stops well short of excitement, but I have already found myself mentally moving people in and out of the rotation, pen and starting lineup and trying to convince myself that there might just be enough new blood around to fill lots of holes.
We'll talk about that in detail at another time though.
Let's get back to the Victor deal.
As I said I have had two days to process all the anger that came with the Lee trade, and the realization that the plug has been pulled and some bleak days are ahead.
Unlike the night of the Lee trade, there was no surprise tonight.
I mostly just feel an emptiness that comes with knowing the heart and soul of the team - a real Cleveland Indian, the way Thome and Vizquel were real Cleveland Indians - has been sent packing.
It's not a feeling I haven't felt before and it's a feeling I'm sure to feel again, being a fan of a small-market team in a flawed system that stacks all the cards against teams like the Tribe.
So what is there to do but suck it up and see what we got for Victor?
My initial reaction to the deal was much like my initial reaction to the Lee deal - we didn't get the guys everyone else was looking for. In this case it was starter, and top prospect, Clay Buckholz and reliever Daniel Bard, both currently with the Red Sox.
While that is true, the Tribe did get Justin Masterson - a pitcher already up in the bigs and ready to step into the rotation once he gets stretched out after pitching in the bullpen with the Sox.
LHP Nick Hagadone is also a key piece for the Tribe, and the guy with the highest upside in this deal for Cleveland. He's a flame thrower who Shapiro said was clocked recently at 99 by Tribe scouts. More routinely, he's at 94-95 with what is said to be an exceptional slider. There is the little matter of TJ surgery less than a year ago, but based on what he's doing this year, it appears the operation was a success.
In his TV appearance tonight, Shapiro said Hagadone will either be put on an accelerated track to the back of the Tribe's bullpen, or a much slower track to the front end of the rotation. If he is put on the starter track, Hagadone's development will be slower because he will be on an innings limit due to to the surgery.
Bryan Price, like Hagadone, is pitching at Class A after being the 45th player picked overall in the 2008 draft. He's not looking so good so far, but he too has mid-90's capabilities.
Maybe it's the 48-hour cooling-off period since the Lee trade, or the encouraging outing tonight by Fausto Carmona, or maybe even the three Yeunglings I had with my burger tonight, but I'm starting to come to terms with the reality that the Tribe - again - is rebuilding.
Most of the Tribe's players have played poorly this season. Eric Wedge has been even worse as a manager. And the front office has failed for years to produce homegrown players to add to those they've acquired in trade.
There's a lot wrong with the organization from top to bottom.
There will be time to deal with front-office and management issues when the season ends. But the time to start fixing the talent shortage was now.
Time will tell if the pieces picked up by Shapiro were the right ones. But - after thinking things over the past few days - I began to see some merit to the argument that there was not enough talent at the top end of the organization to make a serious go of things. And since the Tribe can't just go out and buy the two top pitchers on the market and the top bat or two - like another team we know - this is how it has to be done.
My original sentiment was to just chuck it all and get a hobby like gardening for the summer. Many of you are threatening yourself with the same thing - giving up on the Tribe and baseball.
But I know myself too well, and I know that I can't do that.
I don't have to be happy about it. And I will continue to bitch about just how broken baseball's system is. But I will go through yet another rebuild with the Tribe and enjoy whatever good moments come along as this new group of Tribesman evolves into our next great hope.
In the meantime, can I have another Yeungling please?